WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
