I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I love having hate sex.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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