WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
