fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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