wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
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How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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