Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
