this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
