I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name