shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"