can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
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Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.