why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.