I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
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just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
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Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.