when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
