I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
