You're my little dorito
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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