she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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