I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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