I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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