True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
