I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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