remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
its not stalking. its research.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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