Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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