She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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