i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
