For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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