I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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