Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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