Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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