I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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