Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
