Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
