four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
