Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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