I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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