A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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