do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
