I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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