I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
