we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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