Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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