he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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