Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
