Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
