I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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