She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
