Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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