Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
