Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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