Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
