haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
