I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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