just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
