i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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