i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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