I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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