do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
