Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So here I am, sexting at work.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
