Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
