just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
