You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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