dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
