I CAN MOONWALK!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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