youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
