Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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