the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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